Anya Schulman Thought Kissing Was Gross
Talking about icks, Maggie Nelson, and logistical tops
Ugh. I hate Instagram but I love the niche places it takes me. I was introduced to Anya Schulman’s writing through a Gay Times post about her new column, Dyke Drama. Once I read the piece and saw that Gay Times describes her as the lesbian Carrie Bradshaw, I was hooked.
After a gushing DM and a couple of reschedules, I found myself sitting across from Schulman on a rainy Saturday in Clinton Hill, during which we discussed writing, the woes of being femme, and the interconnectedness of queer dating.
After our hour of conversation, I felt gayer, ready to approach someone at Ginger’s, and deeply connected to Schulman–we’re both Geminis, control freaks, and realized we were gay during sophomore year of college. Here’s what we discussed.
Books and Books and Books
When I asked Schulman about favorite writers, her immediate mention was Maggie Nelson, naturally. Her college thesis was a novella based on Bluets. Schulman once ran into a former college lover while reading Nelson’s The Argonauts on the train, and after seeing Anya, the ex “got off at the next stop, which I don’t even think was her stop.” For books, she loves Sarah Schulman’s Gentrification of the Mind: Witness to a Lost Imagination, Michelle Tea’s Black Wave, and Melissa Broder’s Milk Fed. Schulman’s favorite poem (she went to Kenyon, of course she has a favorite poem) is “Whoso List to Hunt” by Sir Thomas Wyatt.
Coming Out
Schulman thought that kissing boys was gross in college and just assumed she was extremely picky. The classic closeted signs were ignored because Schulman has always been very femme-presenting.
“It’s funny, I was in GSA as an ally for four years in high school. I marched in my first pride parade with my parents in Buffalo as an ally. There was so little representation that because I’m so femme, nobody ever entertained the thought that I could be gay, including myself. I was just extremely focused on school, thought I was very picky, was very Team Edward. But that’s okay because he is a toxic lesbian.”
But like all best gay realizations, it simply took some attention from hot older girls in college to realize she definitely wasn’t straight.
Icks
Aside from bad texters and a specific pair of round RayBan sunglasses, Schulman gets the ick from assholes. “I think my number one ick is people who are not extremely kind to service workers and don’t tip well, which is a lot of people’s ick. I just can’t stand when people have bad manners.” Another turn-off is a cowboy hat unless it’s a “really well-done” one.
Logistical Tops
I had to ask Schulman about the term ‘logistical top’ because it’s proudly displayed in her Instagram bio. She’s pretty sure she coined the term and wants to trademark it. While Schulman is proudly vers, she’s a top in the sense that she is in no way a passenger princess and needs a clean room pre coitus.
“Planning and execution is something that calms me and is fun to me. I really like handling things in that way, but I also like feeling taken care of. So, if somebody [I’m with] is also a planner, I think finding a balance is amazing. But it’s also so rare that you find somebody who you trust to be as good of a driver as you. And also not everybody is proactive.”
Hat Lesbians
We both agree that there are too many hat lesbians (see Icks). That’s all.
Rock Climbing Lesbians
While it’s a great spot for cruising, you’re never gonna find either of us in a climbing gym. Sorry.
The Best Lesbians
Schulman was deeply blessed to have been delivered by a lesbian doctor who’s provided abortions and gender-affirming care in Buffalo for decades. Fittingly, Dr. Morrison is one of Schulman’s favorite lesbians. She has a soft spot for Avril Lavigne, who’s not officially a lesbian, but “is adjacent to our community.” And, if Schulman ever sees Tracy Chapman in person, “it’s tears on sight.”
Being a Dimes Square Nepo Baby
Anya’s cousin is jewelry extraordinaire Susan Alexandra. “I get to help her out sometimes with fun things like events at the store and partnerships. Susan is an inspiration and creative force. I'm forever grateful for her being my connection and introduction to so many incredible New Yorkers and artists.” For last year’s pride, Schulman hosted a talent show at the store to raise money for the Southern Trans Youth Emergency Project.
Queerbaiting
Schulman has an interesting theory about potential queerbaiters Cate Blanchett and Charlize Theron. “They’re just wearing suits. Is that queerbaiting? I dunno.” Fair enough. As for the best queerbaiting photoshoot, that one Taylor Swift spread takes the cake.
The Importance of Gay Art
Schulman and I are both of the opinion that is it very important to fill your apartment with gay artwork. Anya has aptly decorated her space with a magazine spread of paint Jenna Gribbon’s artwork, who she admires for having “done huge things for neon nipples.” My favorite touch is Schulman’s bathroom, which she commissioned friend Jackie Klein to paint naked cowgirls in. Stay tuned for an upcoming boxer/PJ line featuring said cowgirls.
Dating Tips
Now, this is when Schulman really started to blow my mind. Because she’s the lesbian Carrie Bradshaw, I of course had to ask her for dating tips. And she delivered, much more than Carrie ever could.
First off, being single is okay, in fact, encouraged in your twenties. “I think it’s okay to be single for a really long period of time. It’s okay to be single throughout your entire twenties. You change so much during that period of time. I also think it’s okay to not be on the apps. I know a lot of people who have had amazing success stories on the apps, but I also have friends who aren’t on the apps and have had such successful dating lives.”
Schulman also stressed the importance of genuine sexy indifference when it comes to finding ‘the one.’ “Having ‘when you least expect it’ in the back of your mind even if the apps are deleted means you’re still conscious enough of the effort that you are expecting it by pretending not to care when you actually do. To bring some powerful indifference into your dating energy, you have to let enough time lapse from whoever hurt you last that you aren’t putting that ‘I don’t care but I really do’ pressure on yourself and your roster. There is so much power in centering yourself above others in dating dynamics until it’s clear someone will treat you with the respect and care you deserve.
“Plus, it’s fun to make out with someone on a street corner, pull away, and wave while you say ‘bye bitch’ as they watch you walk away (not that I’m speaking from experience or anything). Tl;dr be honest about your feelings and do right by people but it’s also mostly up to you to turn your life into a rom-com (read: be theatrical who cares) if that’s what you desire.”
And when it comes to frustration while dating, patience is key. “It’s important to not have a scarcity complex. Even if you are tired of being single or feel like you’ve been waiting a long time, you can’t have that scarcity mindset around dating. The best thing you can do for yourself if you feel frustrated is to remove some of that pressure and put that energy into other things you care about. That will lead you to the right people. If you keep wondering ‘When will it be my turn,’ that can lead to you getting hurt or feeling like you wasted your time. You have to be patient and try to bring the fun back into it.”
Fun while dating, imagine that.
What’s Next for Anya
More Dyke Drama, the potential boxer/PJ line, and a lesbian romantic comedy Schulman’s writing that’s “She’s the Man meets Booksmart,” but gay.
Follow Anya here and stay tuned for the next edition of Dyke Drama.